Check Memo says: B/c of my shameful behavior!

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

I had spent like 30 minutes typing a blog earlier today and it wouldn't post and it didn't save but like 4% of it! So I decided to scratch that idea and start with a new one. I went home and took a 30 minute rest, which did me good. My doctor put me on a different medication, one I've used in the past but the milligrams were too strong when I took it 3 years ago, it's working like a charm this time. I've noticed a big difference in being able to get up and going in the mornings. I sleep much better too.

So I really don't go into much detail about my personal life and relationships on this blogspot b/c whatever you put out on the internet...is there for the whole world to see. And I really don't care too much about airing out my dirty draws (as my daddy calls underwear). I will say that my behavior toward a particular person in my life has been shameful. I have acted like a brat who hasn't gotten her way and so I'm sulking and pouting. God has truly shown Himself to me this week. The church I attend in Memphis, White Station Baptist, started Experiencing God on Wednesday nights last week. (I've done the study before with Long Heights Baptist, 2002) That study has changed my life this week!!! And it shows b/c of what I have to do to reconcile my behavior with this person. They may not accept that I'm apologizing but forgiveness is for you, not for the other person actually.

So I was reading a tiny little book by Kenneth Hagin, Right and Wrong Thinking. The following describes perfectly why I choose to recognize my behavior as wrong and unbecoming of a believer in Christ. "When people confess their lack, they build a sense of lack and inadequacy into themselves, and then these deficiencies gain the ascendancy in their lives. But Jesus is our Lord, and if we hold fast to the confession of His Lordship, then Jesus will gain the ascendancy in our lives and lead us into success. We shall never rise above our confessions. The confessions of a believer's lips that have grown out of faith in his heart will absolutely beat the devil in every combat. However, if a believer does not believe in his heart the confessions his lips are making, these confessions will not work. And if he confesses Satan's ability to hinder him and to keep him from success, Satan will gain dominion over him. But Colossians 2:15 says, 'And having spoiled principalities and powers, he made a shew of them openly, triumphing over them in it.' If Christ defeated the devil for us, then why does the devil do so many things against us? Why does he dominate people? Because people allow him to!"

The following scripture spoken from Jesus should convince us of the reason we should turn from sin and seek our Father's approval all the time. From John 8:31-38, "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.' They answered him, 'We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, 'You will become free'?' Jesus answered them, 'Truly, truly I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever, the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. I know that you are offspring of Abraham; yet you seek to kill me because my word finds no place in you. I speak of what I have seen with my Father, and you do what you have heard from your father'."

The next piece I'm about to share with you is lengthy but it makes complete sense. Many of us have such a problem with unforgiving. We think that it serves us well to continue being bitter, angry, hurt, disappointed, or even allowing hatred to permeate our soul. It is sin! Plain and simple and God cannot, will not bless us if we continue to harbor these emotions in our hearts and souls toward another person. God understands these emotions and He doesn't tell us we can't feel the hurt and pain, it does matter to Him. What He warns us against is allowing these feelings to turn and cause the unforgiveness that is sin. Allow Max Lucado to finish today's blog out with his words. I'll warn you now, when you are finished reading this....you won't want to continue to be so bitter! Give it to God, I did this afternoon, bawled my eyes out for 20 minutes - almost needing to get into an altar to pray b/c my behavior associated with the unforgiveness has been so shameful. Don't continue to allow satan to win his battle against you. Forgive, give it to God, and it will set you free indeed!

In the Grip of Grace, chapter titled "The Heaviness of Hatred":
"Each week Kevin Tunell is required to mail a dollar to a family he'd rather forget. They sued him for $1.5 million but settled for $936, to be paid a dollar at a time. The family expects the payment each Friday so Tunell won't forget what happened on the first Friday of 1982.
That's the day their daughter was killed. Tunell was convicted of manslaughter and drunken driving. He was seventeen. She was eighteen. Tunell served a court sentence. He also spent seven years campaigning against drunk driving, six years more than his sentence required. But he keeps forgetting to send the dollar.
The weekly restitution is to last until the year 2000. Eighteen years. Tunell makes the check out to the victim, mails it to her family, and the money is deposited in a scholarship fund.
The family has taken him to court four times for failure to comply. After the most recent appearance, Tunell spent thirty days in jail. He insists that he's not defying the order but rather is haunted by the girl's death and tormented by the reminders. He offered the family two boxes of checks covering the payments until the year 2001, one year more than required. They refused. It's not money they seek, but penance.
Quoting the mother, 'We want to receive the check every week on time. He must understand we are going to pursue this until August of the year 2000. We will go back to court every month if we have to.'
Few would question the anger of the family. Only the naive would think it fair to leave the guilty unpunished. But I do have one concern. Is 936 payments enough? Not for Tunell to send, mind you, but for the family to demand? When they receive the final payment, will they be at peace? In August 2000, will the family be able to put the matter to rest? Is eighteen years' worth of restitution sufficient? Will 196 months' worth of remorse be adequate?
How much is enough? Were you in the family and were Tunell your target, how many payments would you require? Better stated, how many payments do you require?
No on - I repeat, no one - makes it through life free of injury. Someone somewhere has hurt you. Like the eighteen-year-old, you've been a victim. She died because someone drank too much. Part of you has died because someone spoke too much, demanded too much, and neglected too much. Everyone gets wounded; hence everyone must decide: how many payments will I demand? We may not require that the offender write checks, but we have other ways of settling the score.
Silence is a popular technique. (Ignore them when they speak.) Distance is equally effective. (When they come your way, walk the other.) Nagging is a third tool for revenge. ("Oh, I see you still have fingers on your hand. Funny you never use them to dial my number." "Oh, Joe, nice of you to drop in on us unpromoted peons.")
Amazing how creative we can be at getting even. If I can soil one evening, spoil one day, foil one Friday, then justice is served and I'm content.
For now. Until I think of you again. Until I see you again. Until something happens that brings to mind the deed you did, then I'll demand another check. I'm not about to let you heal before I do. As long as I suffer, you suffer. As long as I hurt, you hurt. You cut me, and I'm going to make you feel bad as long as I bleed, even if I have to reopen the wound myself."

Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ."