My prayer for you

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The purpose of my blog is to reach readers who struggle with bipolar disorder. Through sharing my experiences my hope is to help someone who feels frustrated and alone. It is possible to be able to live a normal life with bipolar. It took several years and many doctors plus medication changes to get me to a successful point. I struggled at first and my family dealt with so much heartache because of my behavior. Please understand that medication compliance is THE only way anyone with this disorder can do it. Once I get my hands on my journals, I will share with you the hell we all went through getting me to a heathy and happy point in my life. Please understand that my faith has played a huge part in getting me to a new normal. My family also continues to support me, no matter what hell I’ve put them through. And my future is to share with the world how being medication compliant helps my entire existence continue to push forward. My prayer for whomever is reading this is, find a healthcare provider who will listen to you and get your medication regimen suitable for you. If you need suggestions on who to contact, please message me. I will try my best to help you. Lean on your family and friends for support through challenging times. And last but not least, allow our Heavenly Father to give you peace and comfort through this process. He loves you more than anyone else does. Give God the reins.

Back at it!

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." I found my old blog. I’m very excited about blogging again. This time around I would like to address mine and my famiky’s ups and downs with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed on 12/15/1997 and life has never been the same. But 21 years later life is returning back to a new normal. Please feel free to ask me questions or give me ideas about topics to write about. I have prayerfully thought about doing this blog and finding my old blogspot has made this even better. Please stay tuned and God bless.

Heartbroken for Haitians

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

My heart is so heavy right now for the people of Haiti. I've prayed for the search and rescue efforts to continue to find miracles of people alive. I read a newspaper article this morning that broke my heart. I don't understand why the relief supplies hasn't gotten to these hurting people. I cannot imagine how they feel or what they are going through. We are so blessed in this country. We should be so thankful for the medical personnel we have as well as the rescue and fire fighters that are well trained in their profession.

So I reflected for a long time this morning on the blessing God gave me by making the place I was born and raised, America. Can you believe people actually have only one dream in their life and that dream is to be a United States Citizen? That just blows my mind. So many Americans belly ache and complain about everything and that don't realize how good they have it. I am very proud to call this country home and I thank God most every day for my country, the brave men and women fighting overseas to keep us free, and for giving me grace to know how truly blessed I am.

We are not here on earth or in our station in life by accident. A Sovereign God has planned our entire life, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. He is in control and nothing takes Him by surprise; probably the only reason I can get up every morning and know that today can be great depending on my attitude. I place my trust with my Creator every morning and ask Him to bless my path and the paths of those He puts in my life. Sometimes I become frustrated with selfish, greedy people. We are here to help each other out and life is not just about you. God created you to help your fellow man. One editorial I read this morning mentioned some prominent people who were vocally opposed to our country helping out with the rescue and relief efforts in Haiti. I've got a good mind to write a couple of those people. How can you see the images on the news or read a newspaper about the suffering from such a tragic event and not want to help? You have to be a selfish individual to vocally oppose those who are compelled to help during this tragedy.

In closing today I'd like to challenge you to find an organization that is volunteer based and join. You may not have the funds to help out much with the efforts in Haiti but even $1 can be put to use to help those who are suffering. A good organization to contribute your money is the American Red Cross. I am a volunteer for them. I have also been a volunteer for the American Cancer Society. I truly believe we should give a little bit of our time and talent to volunteer organizations. Find one and join today. And pray for those suffering in Haiti and also for the volunteers who are selflessly risking a lot to help in the effort to save lives.

Happy Twenty Ten!

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Wow! I can't believe it is a new decade already. New Year's was a lot of fun for me. Got to see my sweetheart of a buddy, Charlie. I met him back in 2008 through his brother whom it didn't work out with. Funny how God shows you the people you should keep in your life and who you shouldn't. Charlie has been one of those surprise blessings in my life. He makes me smile and there is never a moment when I'm not laughing when I'm with him. We are so compatible in many ways and our relationship is friendship. He is one of those guys that the expression "He makes my heart sing" is so true. We both love music and we also write music. It will be nice to actually collaborate on some projects together. I actually wrote a song about him when I first met him. Yeah, I'm a big sap like that. But that's exactly what his friendship does to my soul. When you meet a person who can touch your soul, they stay there for a long time if not forever.

My new job at the Olive Garden is going well. I love it. Serving is a very noble profession and I respect the work that goes into my job. We have great managers where I work. They do their jobs in a way that makes ours so much easier. And they are GREAT under pressure. Last night was one of those nights. It seemed like every guest that came in, not just mine, wanted to modify their entrees and that makes it hard for the kitchen but we made it through and I applaud our General Manager, Ms. Shirley. She was calm, cool, and collected as she worked the window and on top of that we had a different manager from another store out front with us.

I started a civilian fitness bootcamp this week. We work out for an hour, outside and it has been COLD! But once we get moving it isn't so bad. I have about 40 more pounds to lose to be at my ideal weight. I also would like to tone and tighten some problem areas. I am so thankful to have this workout in my life. I still walk a 5k most days that I can. But walking alone isn't going to get me past this weight plateau. I'll keep everyone posted on my progress as I get up Monday thru Friday at 5AM to be outside by 5:30 to go at it.

I'm making plans to go back out to Colorado in March, to see Charlie. I also would like to take an extended vacation in order to do some major writing. I have so many ideas about book projects but if I don't start doing something about them, they'll never make it to print. I read a blog of mine from my myspace page about my mother and I was horrified for feeling that way. My first book should be a dedication to her. I love her very much and having her back in my life these past 7 to 8 months has enhanced my life. I think about how young she was when she had me and how amazing it is that I am actually a baby she truly wanted. Life for a teenage mother has to be so tough. I can't wait to start writing on some projects that WILL make it to print. I'll keep everyone posted on these as well.

Stay warm if you're where it is bitter cold. May God keep those who are without homes safe. I'm so thankful to have a warm bed to sleep in every night. Remember to pray for our troops too. And their families during their absence from home.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

I finished watching a movie that I don't particularly recommend so I won't disclose the name of it. But it had a couple of lines that really struck a chord with my heart. "It took losing you for me to really find you. Then I found myself." I'm not a person who brings up tragedy for the sake of bringing up the event. I only recall the event b/c I want to share what I've learned from it.

This time of year has been hard for me since I lost my first husband, Keith. The movie I watched was about a young woman who lost her fiance right before the wedding. The movie wasn't written well and the story line was hard to follow, if there really was a story line. But I was reminded of so much about loss that it was refreshing when her character said the above lines.

Keith was one of those guys that would give you his last dollar if you needed it. I've seen him take the shirt off of his back, literally, to give it to someone else. And no words will ever justify the way he treated me. He was way too good to me every day of our life together. And he adored his children. Hannah Ellen is the spitting image of him with her precious face.

Losing Keith was one of those moments in my life that I finally had to realize I was a big girl now. I was 21 and scared to death. I have been ever since that cold December day in 1996. I remember my daddy taking me to Peggy's Fashions to pick out something warm to wear for the funeral. Daddy held my hand through the whole ordeal and I finally felt safe again. But then I had to go back to our house, where it was empty and Keith's laughter was missing. Everything about that house reminded me of him and I couldn't stay there any longer without someone there with me. Hannah wasn't quite 2 and it was the hardest thing trying to raise her with the light of her world gone.

How have I found myself the past 13 years? Good question. I've learned to be myself and never apologize for it. I just warn people ahead of time about who I am, the diagnosis Keith's death tragically placed upon me, and I learned the hard way how to walk away from people who do not deserve my time and attention. It took losing the one person that loved me more than life itself, to learn to accept myself. Keith would be proud of my stubbornness being put to good use. Before it was a source of a lot of headache for him. I'm learning to be more patient but that is taking some trial and error. But I'm getting there.

As Friday approaches I have plans to possibly finally celebrate his passing. Keith is with our Heavenly Father and I will one day see him again. I should finally look at this time of year as a celebration of his wonderfulness and what his life gave me, 2 great kids (Patrick & Hannah Ellen) and a sense of who I am. I was his and everyone knew it but his love was far too great to be here on earth. He gave me the courage to finally be myself. I still love him more every day. I look forward to his embrace.

Home is where the heart is.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Max Lucado states in his book, Traveling Light "The twists and turns of life have a way of reminding us-we aren't home here. This is not our homeland. We aren't fluent in the language of disease and death. The culture confuses the heart, the noise disrupts our sleep, and we feel far from home. .... Homesickness is one of the burdens God doesn't mind if we carry."

I lived in Dallas, Texas back in 1997. I only lived there for 6 months but man was I homesick. I had just lost my first husband in a car accident and I had to get away from home to just breathe and process all my pain. I actually didn't process it at all, I just put it away and wouldn't deal with it. I did everything I could to ignore the hole his death had left on my heart. I partied way too much and I didn't focus on my schoolwork and found myself having to withdraw from my classes and I still have the debt in student loans to prove what a hard lesson that was to learn. I was running from God b/c my pain was so deep I didn't want His love. I was angry and everything I did to push God away was another step in separating myself from home. He would never deny my residence in heaven, I had already accepted His ultimate gift of forgiveness in my Savior, Jesus. But my behavior had me going down a road that ended in my bipolar diagnois.

On December 11th, 1997 I was manic as a bat and had come from Dallas on a plane. My stepfather met me at Memphis International Airport and the heartache for my family began. By the 15th, my father, his sister, and my brother had me at Western State Mental Health Institute and I was admitted for observation. I stayed 3 weeks. Longest stay I've ever had in a mental hospital but God was all around me. As I laid on a thin mat with nothing but a hospital gown on in a cold, brick walled room with bars over the windows I looked up to the ceiling and cried out to my God for the first time in a year. (The 18th of 1996 was the day Keith died) I felt the Lord's presence with me the entire 3 weeks I was institutionalized but if I had not cried out to Him I would've never left that place. God was willing to show me His love during the year after Keith's death but I was unwilling to accept it and God is a gentleman, He never forced Himself into my life. The funny thing about this story is while my family's hearts were breaking over me being in the hospital I was never homesick. I was homesick living in Texas being away from everyone I loved, but God's presence was so strong while I dealt with coming down off my mania that I didn't have a longing for home.

We should always remember that even though life deals us some hard blows at times, we are not home yet. This is not our home. Of course we have homes that we go to every night, cook supper in, lay our heads on a pillow, and hang our clothes in the closets but it is temporary. If your focus isn't on the eternal, the present life you are living will never bring you happiness that lasts. Yes, it is very sad that I lost a husband 13 years ago when I was very young. But I rejoice in the fact that I know Keith is home in heaven with His Savior. When Patrick (Keith's son) and Hannah accepted Christ as their Saviors it was 2 of the greatest, joyous days of my life. Because they may not have Keith now but one day when they cross the Jordan River, they will see him again. And God will bless me by allowing me to be there to see that day.

This time of year has always been very difficult for me but I'm learning more as time passes that the tragedy I (we all) endured in 1996 has taught me more about my heavenly Father's love than any blessing He has ever poured out on me. I am excited about Christmas this year. We have family from out of state flying home and my brother's daughter will be with us for the first time at Christmas. God does heal our wounds but we have to be willing to look at our own hearts and examine any kind of 'darkness' it may have. God wants to give us His very best but if we are so bent on holding onto this home and not our eternal home then He can't give us the Kingdom of Heaven now. I pray you all find peace and comfort in your hearts this Christmas season. Tell someone you haven't told in a while that you love them. You'll find out how much like home, love really feels.

Remember those who sacrifice at this time of year.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

My laptop is finally fixed, thanks to my friend, Tom. I am such a procrastinator and I never called the manufacturer to get a recovery disk to fix the hard drive. The cable company comes Tuesday and I'm going to have internet access at home. That will be nice b/c I started my new job at Olive Garden this week and I will be busy with working that into my life.

I have finals this week and finish up for the semester Monday the 14th with an English paper and exam. I cannot believe it is over, feels like it just started but I'm ready for a little break.

I missed McKenzie's Hometown Christmas this weekend. I had to be at work Saturday morning at 9am so I couldn't miss my server training class. And now my schedule will require me to make quick trips back to my hometown to see my children but I want to make them the priority I just have to work around a work schedule.

Found out earlier this week that my family from California is going to be home for Christmas which is totally exciting. The whole family together is such a nice feeling at this time of year. I really have to be honest and say I'm not into Christmas like I once was. My children and the celebration of my Savior's birth has been my only reason for putting on a smile and getting through it. But this year with the addition of my niece (who is 12) back into our lives and everyone being at grandmother's, Christmas is going to be absolutely wonderful. My reason for losing so much of my Christmas spirit is because of the loss of Keith, Hannah's daddy. Loss is so heightened during the holidays but he passed away a week to the day from Christmas and this time of year is always a reminder of what I've lost. But I'm learning more and more how to let go of the feeling of loss. I cannot believe it has been 13 years.

So in speaking about loss, I can't imagine how Keith's parents feel every year at this time. They are such wonderful people. They have always treated me like a daughter and because Keith was an only child, I am too. We should remember those who have just lost loved ones at this time of year and give them a kind word or go visit them as they deal with the holidays without their loved one. Losing my grandfather was hard but watching my grandmother go through her first holidays without him was harder.

Remember also to pray for the local guardsmen and their families as this will be another hard time for every person affected. I cannot imagine how it feels to be without your loved one because they are defending our freedom. May God richly bless each and every person that is overseas and absent from their families' celebrations this year.

I need to go because I should study for my tests coming up and I have a paper to write as well.