Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
I finished watching a movie that I don't particularly recommend so I won't disclose the name of it. But it had a couple of lines that really struck a chord with my heart. "It took losing you for me to really find you. Then I found myself." I'm not a person who brings up tragedy for the sake of bringing up the event. I only recall the event b/c I want to share what I've learned from it.
This time of year has been hard for me since I lost my first husband, Keith. The movie I watched was about a young woman who lost her fiance right before the wedding. The movie wasn't written well and the story line was hard to follow, if there really was a story line. But I was reminded of so much about loss that it was refreshing when her character said the above lines.
Keith was one of those guys that would give you his last dollar if you needed it. I've seen him take the shirt off of his back, literally, to give it to someone else. And no words will ever justify the way he treated me. He was way too good to me every day of our life together. And he adored his children. Hannah Ellen is the spitting image of him with her precious face.
Losing Keith was one of those moments in my life that I finally had to realize I was a big girl now. I was 21 and scared to death. I have been ever since that cold December day in 1996. I remember my daddy taking me to Peggy's Fashions to pick out something warm to wear for the funeral. Daddy held my hand through the whole ordeal and I finally felt safe again. But then I had to go back to our house, where it was empty and Keith's laughter was missing. Everything about that house reminded me of him and I couldn't stay there any longer without someone there with me. Hannah wasn't quite 2 and it was the hardest thing trying to raise her with the light of her world gone.
How have I found myself the past 13 years? Good question. I've learned to be myself and never apologize for it. I just warn people ahead of time about who I am, the diagnosis Keith's death tragically placed upon me, and I learned the hard way how to walk away from people who do not deserve my time and attention. It took losing the one person that loved me more than life itself, to learn to accept myself. Keith would be proud of my stubbornness being put to good use. Before it was a source of a lot of headache for him. I'm learning to be more patient but that is taking some trial and error. But I'm getting there.
As Friday approaches I have plans to possibly finally celebrate his passing. Keith is with our Heavenly Father and I will one day see him again. I should finally look at this time of year as a celebration of his wonderfulness and what his life gave me, 2 great kids (Patrick & Hannah Ellen) and a sense of who I am. I was his and everyone knew it but his love was far too great to be here on earth. He gave me the courage to finally be myself. I still love him more every day. I look forward to his embrace.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Home is where the heart is.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Max Lucado states in his book, Traveling Light "The twists and turns of life have a way of reminding us-we aren't home here. This is not our homeland. We aren't fluent in the language of disease and death. The culture confuses the heart, the noise disrupts our sleep, and we feel far from home. .... Homesickness is one of the burdens God doesn't mind if we carry."
I lived in Dallas, Texas back in 1997. I only lived there for 6 months but man was I homesick. I had just lost my first husband in a car accident and I had to get away from home to just breathe and process all my pain. I actually didn't process it at all, I just put it away and wouldn't deal with it. I did everything I could to ignore the hole his death had left on my heart. I partied way too much and I didn't focus on my schoolwork and found myself having to withdraw from my classes and I still have the debt in student loans to prove what a hard lesson that was to learn. I was running from God b/c my pain was so deep I didn't want His love. I was angry and everything I did to push God away was another step in separating myself from home. He would never deny my residence in heaven, I had already accepted His ultimate gift of forgiveness in my Savior, Jesus. But my behavior had me going down a road that ended in my bipolar diagnois.
On December 11th, 1997 I was manic as a bat and had come from Dallas on a plane. My stepfather met me at Memphis International Airport and the heartache for my family began. By the 15th, my father, his sister, and my brother had me at Western State Mental Health Institute and I was admitted for observation. I stayed 3 weeks. Longest stay I've ever had in a mental hospital but God was all around me. As I laid on a thin mat with nothing but a hospital gown on in a cold, brick walled room with bars over the windows I looked up to the ceiling and cried out to my God for the first time in a year. (The 18th of 1996 was the day Keith died) I felt the Lord's presence with me the entire 3 weeks I was institutionalized but if I had not cried out to Him I would've never left that place. God was willing to show me His love during the year after Keith's death but I was unwilling to accept it and God is a gentleman, He never forced Himself into my life. The funny thing about this story is while my family's hearts were breaking over me being in the hospital I was never homesick. I was homesick living in Texas being away from everyone I loved, but God's presence was so strong while I dealt with coming down off my mania that I didn't have a longing for home.
We should always remember that even though life deals us some hard blows at times, we are not home yet. This is not our home. Of course we have homes that we go to every night, cook supper in, lay our heads on a pillow, and hang our clothes in the closets but it is temporary. If your focus isn't on the eternal, the present life you are living will never bring you happiness that lasts. Yes, it is very sad that I lost a husband 13 years ago when I was very young. But I rejoice in the fact that I know Keith is home in heaven with His Savior. When Patrick (Keith's son) and Hannah accepted Christ as their Saviors it was 2 of the greatest, joyous days of my life. Because they may not have Keith now but one day when they cross the Jordan River, they will see him again. And God will bless me by allowing me to be there to see that day.
This time of year has always been very difficult for me but I'm learning more as time passes that the tragedy I (we all) endured in 1996 has taught me more about my heavenly Father's love than any blessing He has ever poured out on me. I am excited about Christmas this year. We have family from out of state flying home and my brother's daughter will be with us for the first time at Christmas. God does heal our wounds but we have to be willing to look at our own hearts and examine any kind of 'darkness' it may have. God wants to give us His very best but if we are so bent on holding onto this home and not our eternal home then He can't give us the Kingdom of Heaven now. I pray you all find peace and comfort in your hearts this Christmas season. Tell someone you haven't told in a while that you love them. You'll find out how much like home, love really feels.
Max Lucado states in his book, Traveling Light "The twists and turns of life have a way of reminding us-we aren't home here. This is not our homeland. We aren't fluent in the language of disease and death. The culture confuses the heart, the noise disrupts our sleep, and we feel far from home. .... Homesickness is one of the burdens God doesn't mind if we carry."
I lived in Dallas, Texas back in 1997. I only lived there for 6 months but man was I homesick. I had just lost my first husband in a car accident and I had to get away from home to just breathe and process all my pain. I actually didn't process it at all, I just put it away and wouldn't deal with it. I did everything I could to ignore the hole his death had left on my heart. I partied way too much and I didn't focus on my schoolwork and found myself having to withdraw from my classes and I still have the debt in student loans to prove what a hard lesson that was to learn. I was running from God b/c my pain was so deep I didn't want His love. I was angry and everything I did to push God away was another step in separating myself from home. He would never deny my residence in heaven, I had already accepted His ultimate gift of forgiveness in my Savior, Jesus. But my behavior had me going down a road that ended in my bipolar diagnois.
On December 11th, 1997 I was manic as a bat and had come from Dallas on a plane. My stepfather met me at Memphis International Airport and the heartache for my family began. By the 15th, my father, his sister, and my brother had me at Western State Mental Health Institute and I was admitted for observation. I stayed 3 weeks. Longest stay I've ever had in a mental hospital but God was all around me. As I laid on a thin mat with nothing but a hospital gown on in a cold, brick walled room with bars over the windows I looked up to the ceiling and cried out to my God for the first time in a year. (The 18th of 1996 was the day Keith died) I felt the Lord's presence with me the entire 3 weeks I was institutionalized but if I had not cried out to Him I would've never left that place. God was willing to show me His love during the year after Keith's death but I was unwilling to accept it and God is a gentleman, He never forced Himself into my life. The funny thing about this story is while my family's hearts were breaking over me being in the hospital I was never homesick. I was homesick living in Texas being away from everyone I loved, but God's presence was so strong while I dealt with coming down off my mania that I didn't have a longing for home.
We should always remember that even though life deals us some hard blows at times, we are not home yet. This is not our home. Of course we have homes that we go to every night, cook supper in, lay our heads on a pillow, and hang our clothes in the closets but it is temporary. If your focus isn't on the eternal, the present life you are living will never bring you happiness that lasts. Yes, it is very sad that I lost a husband 13 years ago when I was very young. But I rejoice in the fact that I know Keith is home in heaven with His Savior. When Patrick (Keith's son) and Hannah accepted Christ as their Saviors it was 2 of the greatest, joyous days of my life. Because they may not have Keith now but one day when they cross the Jordan River, they will see him again. And God will bless me by allowing me to be there to see that day.
This time of year has always been very difficult for me but I'm learning more as time passes that the tragedy I (we all) endured in 1996 has taught me more about my heavenly Father's love than any blessing He has ever poured out on me. I am excited about Christmas this year. We have family from out of state flying home and my brother's daughter will be with us for the first time at Christmas. God does heal our wounds but we have to be willing to look at our own hearts and examine any kind of 'darkness' it may have. God wants to give us His very best but if we are so bent on holding onto this home and not our eternal home then He can't give us the Kingdom of Heaven now. I pray you all find peace and comfort in your hearts this Christmas season. Tell someone you haven't told in a while that you love them. You'll find out how much like home, love really feels.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Remember those who sacrifice at this time of year.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
My laptop is finally fixed, thanks to my friend, Tom. I am such a procrastinator and I never called the manufacturer to get a recovery disk to fix the hard drive. The cable company comes Tuesday and I'm going to have internet access at home. That will be nice b/c I started my new job at Olive Garden this week and I will be busy with working that into my life.
I have finals this week and finish up for the semester Monday the 14th with an English paper and exam. I cannot believe it is over, feels like it just started but I'm ready for a little break.
I missed McKenzie's Hometown Christmas this weekend. I had to be at work Saturday morning at 9am so I couldn't miss my server training class. And now my schedule will require me to make quick trips back to my hometown to see my children but I want to make them the priority I just have to work around a work schedule.
Found out earlier this week that my family from California is going to be home for Christmas which is totally exciting. The whole family together is such a nice feeling at this time of year. I really have to be honest and say I'm not into Christmas like I once was. My children and the celebration of my Savior's birth has been my only reason for putting on a smile and getting through it. But this year with the addition of my niece (who is 12) back into our lives and everyone being at grandmother's, Christmas is going to be absolutely wonderful. My reason for losing so much of my Christmas spirit is because of the loss of Keith, Hannah's daddy. Loss is so heightened during the holidays but he passed away a week to the day from Christmas and this time of year is always a reminder of what I've lost. But I'm learning more and more how to let go of the feeling of loss. I cannot believe it has been 13 years.
So in speaking about loss, I can't imagine how Keith's parents feel every year at this time. They are such wonderful people. They have always treated me like a daughter and because Keith was an only child, I am too. We should remember those who have just lost loved ones at this time of year and give them a kind word or go visit them as they deal with the holidays without their loved one. Losing my grandfather was hard but watching my grandmother go through her first holidays without him was harder.
Remember also to pray for the local guardsmen and their families as this will be another hard time for every person affected. I cannot imagine how it feels to be without your loved one because they are defending our freedom. May God richly bless each and every person that is overseas and absent from their families' celebrations this year.
I need to go because I should study for my tests coming up and I have a paper to write as well.
My laptop is finally fixed, thanks to my friend, Tom. I am such a procrastinator and I never called the manufacturer to get a recovery disk to fix the hard drive. The cable company comes Tuesday and I'm going to have internet access at home. That will be nice b/c I started my new job at Olive Garden this week and I will be busy with working that into my life.
I have finals this week and finish up for the semester Monday the 14th with an English paper and exam. I cannot believe it is over, feels like it just started but I'm ready for a little break.
I missed McKenzie's Hometown Christmas this weekend. I had to be at work Saturday morning at 9am so I couldn't miss my server training class. And now my schedule will require me to make quick trips back to my hometown to see my children but I want to make them the priority I just have to work around a work schedule.
Found out earlier this week that my family from California is going to be home for Christmas which is totally exciting. The whole family together is such a nice feeling at this time of year. I really have to be honest and say I'm not into Christmas like I once was. My children and the celebration of my Savior's birth has been my only reason for putting on a smile and getting through it. But this year with the addition of my niece (who is 12) back into our lives and everyone being at grandmother's, Christmas is going to be absolutely wonderful. My reason for losing so much of my Christmas spirit is because of the loss of Keith, Hannah's daddy. Loss is so heightened during the holidays but he passed away a week to the day from Christmas and this time of year is always a reminder of what I've lost. But I'm learning more and more how to let go of the feeling of loss. I cannot believe it has been 13 years.
So in speaking about loss, I can't imagine how Keith's parents feel every year at this time. They are such wonderful people. They have always treated me like a daughter and because Keith was an only child, I am too. We should remember those who have just lost loved ones at this time of year and give them a kind word or go visit them as they deal with the holidays without their loved one. Losing my grandfather was hard but watching my grandmother go through her first holidays without him was harder.
Remember also to pray for the local guardsmen and their families as this will be another hard time for every person affected. I cannot imagine how it feels to be without your loved one because they are defending our freedom. May God richly bless each and every person that is overseas and absent from their families' celebrations this year.
I need to go because I should study for my tests coming up and I have a paper to write as well.
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