Home is where the heart is.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Max Lucado states in his book, Traveling Light "The twists and turns of life have a way of reminding us-we aren't home here. This is not our homeland. We aren't fluent in the language of disease and death. The culture confuses the heart, the noise disrupts our sleep, and we feel far from home. .... Homesickness is one of the burdens God doesn't mind if we carry."

I lived in Dallas, Texas back in 1997. I only lived there for 6 months but man was I homesick. I had just lost my first husband in a car accident and I had to get away from home to just breathe and process all my pain. I actually didn't process it at all, I just put it away and wouldn't deal with it. I did everything I could to ignore the hole his death had left on my heart. I partied way too much and I didn't focus on my schoolwork and found myself having to withdraw from my classes and I still have the debt in student loans to prove what a hard lesson that was to learn. I was running from God b/c my pain was so deep I didn't want His love. I was angry and everything I did to push God away was another step in separating myself from home. He would never deny my residence in heaven, I had already accepted His ultimate gift of forgiveness in my Savior, Jesus. But my behavior had me going down a road that ended in my bipolar diagnois.

On December 11th, 1997 I was manic as a bat and had come from Dallas on a plane. My stepfather met me at Memphis International Airport and the heartache for my family began. By the 15th, my father, his sister, and my brother had me at Western State Mental Health Institute and I was admitted for observation. I stayed 3 weeks. Longest stay I've ever had in a mental hospital but God was all around me. As I laid on a thin mat with nothing but a hospital gown on in a cold, brick walled room with bars over the windows I looked up to the ceiling and cried out to my God for the first time in a year. (The 18th of 1996 was the day Keith died) I felt the Lord's presence with me the entire 3 weeks I was institutionalized but if I had not cried out to Him I would've never left that place. God was willing to show me His love during the year after Keith's death but I was unwilling to accept it and God is a gentleman, He never forced Himself into my life. The funny thing about this story is while my family's hearts were breaking over me being in the hospital I was never homesick. I was homesick living in Texas being away from everyone I loved, but God's presence was so strong while I dealt with coming down off my mania that I didn't have a longing for home.

We should always remember that even though life deals us some hard blows at times, we are not home yet. This is not our home. Of course we have homes that we go to every night, cook supper in, lay our heads on a pillow, and hang our clothes in the closets but it is temporary. If your focus isn't on the eternal, the present life you are living will never bring you happiness that lasts. Yes, it is very sad that I lost a husband 13 years ago when I was very young. But I rejoice in the fact that I know Keith is home in heaven with His Savior. When Patrick (Keith's son) and Hannah accepted Christ as their Saviors it was 2 of the greatest, joyous days of my life. Because they may not have Keith now but one day when they cross the Jordan River, they will see him again. And God will bless me by allowing me to be there to see that day.

This time of year has always been very difficult for me but I'm learning more as time passes that the tragedy I (we all) endured in 1996 has taught me more about my heavenly Father's love than any blessing He has ever poured out on me. I am excited about Christmas this year. We have family from out of state flying home and my brother's daughter will be with us for the first time at Christmas. God does heal our wounds but we have to be willing to look at our own hearts and examine any kind of 'darkness' it may have. God wants to give us His very best but if we are so bent on holding onto this home and not our eternal home then He can't give us the Kingdom of Heaven now. I pray you all find peace and comfort in your hearts this Christmas season. Tell someone you haven't told in a while that you love them. You'll find out how much like home, love really feels.