Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

I finished watching a movie that I don't particularly recommend so I won't disclose the name of it. But it had a couple of lines that really struck a chord with my heart. "It took losing you for me to really find you. Then I found myself." I'm not a person who brings up tragedy for the sake of bringing up the event. I only recall the event b/c I want to share what I've learned from it.

This time of year has been hard for me since I lost my first husband, Keith. The movie I watched was about a young woman who lost her fiance right before the wedding. The movie wasn't written well and the story line was hard to follow, if there really was a story line. But I was reminded of so much about loss that it was refreshing when her character said the above lines.

Keith was one of those guys that would give you his last dollar if you needed it. I've seen him take the shirt off of his back, literally, to give it to someone else. And no words will ever justify the way he treated me. He was way too good to me every day of our life together. And he adored his children. Hannah Ellen is the spitting image of him with her precious face.

Losing Keith was one of those moments in my life that I finally had to realize I was a big girl now. I was 21 and scared to death. I have been ever since that cold December day in 1996. I remember my daddy taking me to Peggy's Fashions to pick out something warm to wear for the funeral. Daddy held my hand through the whole ordeal and I finally felt safe again. But then I had to go back to our house, where it was empty and Keith's laughter was missing. Everything about that house reminded me of him and I couldn't stay there any longer without someone there with me. Hannah wasn't quite 2 and it was the hardest thing trying to raise her with the light of her world gone.

How have I found myself the past 13 years? Good question. I've learned to be myself and never apologize for it. I just warn people ahead of time about who I am, the diagnosis Keith's death tragically placed upon me, and I learned the hard way how to walk away from people who do not deserve my time and attention. It took losing the one person that loved me more than life itself, to learn to accept myself. Keith would be proud of my stubbornness being put to good use. Before it was a source of a lot of headache for him. I'm learning to be more patient but that is taking some trial and error. But I'm getting there.

As Friday approaches I have plans to possibly finally celebrate his passing. Keith is with our Heavenly Father and I will one day see him again. I should finally look at this time of year as a celebration of his wonderfulness and what his life gave me, 2 great kids (Patrick & Hannah Ellen) and a sense of who I am. I was his and everyone knew it but his love was far too great to be here on earth. He gave me the courage to finally be myself. I still love him more every day. I look forward to his embrace.