My outing today, has given me closesure.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

The zoo outing with my mother today was so much fun. I caught mom asking at least 3 times before this morning, "Are we still planning on going to the zoo tomorrow?" It was like she was the kid for a change. We had a blast and made pictures in a photo booth. I need to find a way to get it posted on this spot. On the way home mom asked what my favorite part of the trip was? I said taking the picture and of course she wanted to know out of the exhibits which one I liked the best. I liked the turtles I filmed for my son to see. He loves turtles and I would've filmed and taken pictures of the lizards & snakes for him but mom didn't want to go into that exhibit. So I was content to not go. She really wanted to see the sea lions but they had already put them up for the day when we got to their exhibit.

We've already made plans to go back in October when they open a new attraction with black bears and wolves from the northwest area of our country. We also come up with another outing to do in the mean time but I've since forgotten what it was. It's just fun to be able to make plans to spend time with my mother. When you go 29 years without having your mother in your life daily, it does something to your soul that it never forgets. Not that I want a sob hanky rag or anything but I know I suffer from bipolar disorder b/c of the many heartaches I endured growing up. But God never left my side during any of those times. I remember as a teenager when I missed my mom I had a stuffed bear she had given me and I named him Taylor after her maiden name, I would take that bear, crawl up in my bed to cry and hug on that gift she had given me. It was healing to be able to ask God to take my tears and make me feel better. And He always did.

Growing up my father was very good to me and he never mistreated me in any way. It just really hurt with the absence of my mother in my life. I got to see her regularly and we talked on the phone alot so the distance didn't seem as far but those 118 miles to Memphis were a world away from me when I hurt the most. When I needed my mom to help comfort those lonely nights, it's hard to talk to your dad about 'boy problems'. I had some pretty amazing girlfriends too though. They helped fill a gap that was left there by my mother's daily absence in my life. And my grandparents were super great to me during the times I was without my mom but it just wasn't the same growing up without your mom.

Now that I'm 118 miles away from my own children you probably think, "well then why do this to your own children?" I have a deeper understanding of why my mother did what she did when she did it. I couldn't stay in the place where I had my children every single day of their lives and had our life all around us. In my small hometown of McKenzie you cannot get away from what you were or what you had. And I was reminded every single day that I was trying to get my children back that I didn't have them. Plus the nosiness of some people will drive a sane person mad! I love my children very much and I'm only allowed to see them minimumally right now. I don't want to get into the details on this very public site but God eventually repays evil with justice and that's all in the Bible. I have my Bible with me right now but I just want to type without anything to hold back. 29 years later and my mother is finally getting back what the locust unjustly ate and took from her. I know the truth about what happened and it's a shame that it's a generational hand-me-down. I promise that I'm breaking this curse and it will no longer have a hold on myself or my children. God promised me in Joel 2:25, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten -...." And I'm not going to look back in order to see what has to happen in order to restore back to me what I've lost. I trust God and I know He protects me every minute of every day. I hope your protection comes from Him too.