Jesus Holds Us When We Cry

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

During this past winter when I was dealing with my broken heart there were days I didn’t think I could ever wake up and live my life normally again. I was so hurt by what I was going through that I just didn’t know if anyone cared about me, I know it sounds pathetic but it was real. I had never dealt with heartache in such a way. Not only were my 3 children removed from my home, but I was dealing with rejection from my own earthly father. And he was the parent that had raised me since I was 5YO, so the rejection was hard to deal with in my daily life along with my children being out of our home. We had been a single mother family for about 18 months and we were making it pretty well in our 4 bedroom, 2 bath rented home that was within walking distance of the middle school and elementary school. We lived on the same block as our hometown’s local college, which recently earned its university status. Bethel University. Life seemed to be going great the last couple of years since I had chosen to leave an abusive marriage.

Underneath all our smiles was a secret that I didn’t realize was a secret and still to this day can’t understand why it should be a secret. I am a bipolar disorder patient and I suffer from manic episodes and my mania isn’t mild. I’ve never harmed my children during my manic times or anyone else for that matter. I just become severe when I become manic and the only way to help me is to put me in a hospital setting to correct whatever has caused the mania. Sometimes it is the medication, other times it is stress, and other times it could be what other people are trying to cause in my life - whether it be stress, fear, or manipulation. The secret was that my father said I had to stop being put in the hospital for ‘tune ups’ or he was going to put my oldest child in his home and take her from mine. The secret was secret b/c no one told me about his threat until after my hospitalization in November of last year when he made good on his threat. I know, what negative details, I just have to set the stage for what I went through. In his mind, he thought he was protecting her from something. Possibly not me but from something I suffer from with the disorder. I’ve never been suicidal or homicidal with my mania. NEVER and I praise God that I’m just over the edge a bit and need some medical attention. I’ve had several friends tell me that if I could remove myself from the environment that seems to surround me I’d be better off. Maybe that is true and the very reason my heavenly Father saw fit to get me out of my hometown. Maybe?!?! I’ll probably never understand why God brought me to Memphis, at least not for a while anyway.

I could give many more details but I’ll save it for another day. I just truly believe my father is uneducated about my disorder and what it truly means to be in a manic state of mind. Recently when I was manic back at the end of May this year and he had to meet me at Henry County Medical Center emergency room, I was okay but scared out of my mind b/c I was manic, he seemed to want to know more about why I was feeling the way I did. It seemed short lived though b/c he was called as he was one of my ICE contacts (which I need to revise now that I’m in Memphis). I want my family to understand more about my disorder than they choose to know right now and it frustrates me to be judged b/c I suffer from a mental health condition that is very treatable. That is my prayer for my family and especially my children, that they would be properly educated about my disorder and I would never again feel that a ‘tune up’ is ever my fault.

I’ve been reading Stormie Omartian’s The Power of a Praying Woman, I’m actually deciding to do the Bible study by myself this summer, and she shares James 4:8 in the second lesson but I’m going to share with you the verse before and the 2 after, James 4:7-10 “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” In her Bible study, Ms. Omartian shares this about asking God to change our circumstance. “Often we ask God to change the people and circumstances around us - to change our spouse, our work environment, our church, our financial situation - but what I’ve learned since coming to Christ is that God wants most to change me. He wants to cleanse my heart and conform me to the image of Jesus.”

I felt this way when I was all alone in my big house without my children. I wanted God to change everyone but me, I wanted Him to make my circumstance the way I wanted it to be. Then I realized He might have brought me to this storm in my life b/c He needed to change me for some reason. I now know that He wanted me to draw as close to Him as I could get; and learn to depend only on Him for comfort and strength. That is what happened during those months alone. I wasn’t alone though b/c I had my Lord to comfort my brokenness and He healed my heart too. If you’re struggling with some difficult heart ache in your life, take time to ask God what He wants to change in you rather than asking Him to change the other people in the situation. It is a freeing experience to finally look in the mirror without blaming yourself, just examine yourself in relation to your Heavenly Father. Forget everyone else, just you and God.